It's a Mad World   
08:26pm 06/05/2007
  I was watching a show on television earlier today about the Virigina Tech shooting. It's been stirring in my brain since it happened, and I think "Could this have been me if I hadn't found people who cared about me?" I'm scared that the answer is "yes." It frightens me that I'm willing to admit that I have enough darkness in me that I can say that. When I was younger I used to fantasize about killing the people who wronged me, who beat me and made me feel like nothing. The difference is that I never did it, this man did. I sought help, this man refused to go to counciling when professors and administrators and others told him that he should. He had the oppertunities to find help, but by the time that people saw how deeply troubled he was, it was too late. Maybe if someone had cared enough to get him help when he was in high school he wouldn't have bought those guns, he wouldn't have killed those 31 people.

When will we as a society see that if we let people fall through the cracks, tradgedies like this will not stop happening? Did we learn nothing from Columbine? Will we learn something from Virginia Tech? Or will this again be forgotten?		  
      No power in the 'verse
 
   
12:36pm 23/04/2007
 
music: "Call and Answer" -- Barenaked Ladies
A lot has changed since I last wrote here.

-I have realized that I will never have a chance with Peter, realized that a long time ago actually, about when I stopped posting here.

-I moved, changed schools, changed friends, changed my life. The only person I still talk to from the point in my life when I wrote here is Kris.

-I have learned that love and sex need not be connected, I have learned that romantic love is basically a lie.

-I have decided that I will die before I turn 25, because if it's all downhill after twenty-five then I don't want to see how much worse life will be.

-I no longer dance, I no longer sing, I no longer write poetry when not required by class, I no longer do anything I liked to do. It's all pointless anyway.

-I've stopped doing drugs. It's not that I made a concious decision not to, it's just that I haven't had the oppertunity.

-I don't much care for my life in general.

-I stopped looking for Prince Charming, or Mr. Right, or whatever the else you want to call him. He is a myth that I held on to for longer than most girls.		  
      No power in the 'verse
 
   
01:40pm 18/04/2007
 
music: "Every Dog Has His Day" -- Flogging Molly





That is all for today, thank you.		  
      No power in the 'verse
 
Drunk and Depressed.   
07:55pm 18/03/2007
  I have comandeered my mother's liquor and intend to drink until I don't care anymore. This isn't going to be one of those fun socal drinking nights either, this is a drink until I pass out night. Maybe if I get drunk enough I'll stop feeling, maybe I'll just get drunk enough that I don't feel like an idiot for wanting to cry.

Why am I always just a quick fuck? I want something more, I wan't something that MEANS something. Does anything really actually have a meaning? Drinking's better than Coriciden (which is too hard to get my hands on anyway). I hate the taste of alcohol, but it's better than the taste of loneliness.

I think I understand mom a little better right now.


Is it sad that the only times I've seen mom happy is when she's too drunk to care? Is it even sadder that I understand that now?		  
      No power in the 'verse
 
   
03:12pm 10/02/2006
  dear diary,
mood: apathetic
my life is spiraling downward. i couldn't get enough money to go to the Blood Red Romance and Suffocate Me Dry Concert. It sucks cause they play some of my favorite songs like 'Stab My Heart Because I Love You,' and 'Rip Apart My Soul,' and of course, 'Stabby Rip Stab Stab." and it doesn't help that i couldn't get my hair to do that flippy thing either, like that guy from that band could do, some days you know. . .

i'm an emo kid, non-conforming as can be
you'd be non-conforming to if u look just like me
i have paint on my nails and make-up on my face
i'm almost emo enough to start shaving my legs
'cause i feel real deep when i'm dressing in drag
i call it freedom of expression most just call me a f*g
'cause their dudes look like chicks, their chicks look like d*kes
'cause emo is one step below transvestite

stop my breathing and slit my throat
i must be emo
i don't jump around when i go to shows
i must be emo

i'm dark and sensitive with low self-esteem
the way i dress makes everyday feel like Hallowe'en
i have no real problems but i like to make believe
i stole my sister's mascara now i'm grounded for a week
sulking and writing poetry are my hobbies
i can't get through a Hawthorne Heights album without sobbing
girls keep breaking up with me, it' never any fun
they say they already have a p*ssy, they don't need another one

stop my breathing and slit my throat
i must be emo
i don't jump around when i go to shows
i must be emo
dye in my hair and polish on my toes
i must be emo
i play guitar and write suicide notes
i must be emo

my life is just a black abyss, you know, it's so dark. and it's suffocating me. grabbing ahold of me and tightening it's grip, tighter than a pair of my little sister's jeans . . . which look great on my by the way

when i get depressed i cut my wrists in every direction
hearing songs about getting dumped give me an erection
i write in a live journal and wear thick rimmed glasses
i told my friends i bleed black and cry during classes
i'm just a bad, cheap imitation of goth
you can read me "Catcher in the Rye," and watch me jack off
i wear skin tight clothes while hating my life
if i said i like girls i'd only be half right

i look like i'm dead and dress like a homo
i must be emo
screw XBOX i play old school Nintendo
i must be emo
i like to whine and hate my parentals
i must be emo
me and my friends all look like clones
i must be emo

my parents just don't get me you know. they think i'm gay just because they saw me kiss a guy. well, a couple of guys. but i mean, it's the 2000s. can't 2, or 4 dudes make-out with each other without being gay. i mean, chicks dig that kind of thing anyways. i don't know diary, sometimes i think you're the only one that gets me, you're my best friend. . . . i feel like tacos		  
      3 Telepaths -  No power in the 'verse
 
   
12:51am 06/08/2005
 
mood: rejected
music: Oh, if there was music, it would be emo
SalsaShark170: And all I did was make my usual snarky comments.... okay, so maybe I'm being a bit more searing when it comes to comments than normal, but hey, I'm hurt and he hasn't given me time to not be hurt so he can just deal with the Wrath of Erin, because unlike when I turn it on you, he actually deserves it, in some small measure.
Bigsoftraisin420: yes.
Bigsoftraisin420: agreed
SalsaShark170: It's been stewing for over a month, so he gets to be used as a punching bag tonight. Consequences be damned, I don't even think I want to talk to him ever again. Fucking idiot. He doesn't know what he'd be missing. He's a bastard
Bigsoftraisin420: yes he is
Bigsoftraisin420: im glad your finally going to move on. he isnt worth the time
SalsaShark170: Nobody's worth as much energy as I've put into pining after him.

Wow, okay, I really wish I could believe all of that, but I can't, because it's not true. He's not a bastard, and he's not missing anything. I just want a reason to deflect all this tangled up shit at him, because as long as I'm trying to hurt him, I can't be hurt. But it's not working. Nothing works. Not telling myself that it's not worth it, not crying, not screaming or punching things or anything, because I know that as soon as this all calms down he'll be right back to being charming and sweet and I don't want him to be. I want him to be a bastard and hurt me, because that I understand. I understand how to deal with guys who hurt me. I expect that, I expect them to be bastards. But yanno, he just throws me for a loop, because he's so sweet. And it was just so easy to convince myself that when he said "I love you" that he meant it in a different way that he did. I fucking hate this... I think I like it better when everything is numb, but that never lasts for long, because it all just comes out in this big wave and suddenly I'm crying, just bawling while on break at work or sitting at home, trying not to sleep because with sleep comes dreams that I just can't deal with. I hate this, and I have no control whatsoever, I mean, I can control my temper now, to a point, but I can't keep from just weeping like a little girl because of something that happened days ago. Half the time I'm in this trance, a zombie, going to work, sleeping, and then the other half of the time I'm just this uncontrollable mass of emotion, good or bad. I just want it to stop, I want to find a comfortable in-between where nothing will ever hurt this bad, because it'll all be tempered some by the numbness... and I'll be able to just be sane. You know, I did much better when I had no close friends... because, I don't know, I didn't feel so much then. And everything I felt I could hold inside, like a security blanket or something. It's so much easier to hide from things when there's no one else there to care about it.		  
      No power in the 'verse
 
Fuck yeah, Cultured and shit   
01:05am 27/06/2005
 




Which Lector Are You?

This quiz was made by Ellen
  
      2 Telepaths -  No power in the 'verse
 
   
01:01am 27/06/2005
  My hair is bright pink, well parts of my hair are bright pink, more later  
      2 Telepaths -  No power in the 'verse
 
   
04:21pm 04/05/2005
  Sometimes I look back and try to think of a time when my life hasn't felt like one impossibly long movie. I can't really think of a time. I try to figure out if there was ever a time when I didn't feel like a robot or something, and I can't.
For as long as I can remember it's like I've been watching my life from outside of it. I see myself doing these things and I just don't have any control. "She understands, she doesn't comprehend" - River from the Firefly episode "Objects in Space"
That's what I feel like. Like I'm reading a novel and the words make sense seprately, but the sentances don't mean anything. It's like whatever I'm supposed to be is in some kind of stasis and all I have now is a shell. Like I've always been in a cacoon, waiting to become a butterfly. But I never become a butterfly, I just stay the way I am, waiting. How much longer do I have to wait until this stuff makes sense? The world is rushing by so fast, and suddenly I'm so much older than I was before, when'd it become time to think about my "future"? Do I even want to have a future?		  
      No power in the 'verse
 
Oooh, this is not good.   
04:44pm 08/04/2005
 
music: "Dead On Arrival" -- Fall Out Boy
As if Steve wasn't enough of a moron already, Eric got him hooked on speed. Great, just fucking great. Now there's a pedephile running around Brick fucked up on stimulants. This is just fucking great.		  
      No power in the 'verse
 
   
08:55pm 31/03/2005
 
music: "Miss Ann Thrope" -- My Ruin
http://unix.rulez.org/~calver/pictures/bunny_suicides


This is just too funny not to share		  
      No power in the 'verse
 
   
07:38pm 29/03/2005
 
mood: amused
music: "Sweet Surrender" -- Sarah McLachlan
Anyone interested in a Hillary 2008 THONG? Find them here: http://www.cafepress.com/beatbushgear/456125

I wonder who in the world would want Hillary Clinton's name on their undies. And I don't want a woman who's not tough enough to divorce her cheating husband to be the first female president. Although I hear she's a very compitent politician.		  
      No power in the 'verse
 
How I amuse myself   
10:14pm 02/03/2005
 
mood: amused
music: "Sex and Candy" -- Marcy Playground
I was bored this afternoon at the library.

I'd forgotten my purse at home, so I didn't have my library card, so I couldn't go on the computers. It was hours before school let out, so I wasn't going to be having my tutoring session anytime soon, I was insane with boredom.

That's when the plan came to my mind.

I went to the library catalog computers, found what I wanted, retreved it from the stacks, along with several other books on the subject, and returned to my seat.

Do you know how people look at you when you're reading a book called "My Life Among Serial Killers" in a public library? With a stack of simmilar titles beside you? While you have a hoodie zipped up and pulled around your face a la the Unibomber? And you're looking around like you're trying to find your next victim?

Now I do.		  
      No power in the 'verse
 
Wow! Look, a substantial update! Amazing!   
02:34am 31/01/2005
 
mood: awake
music: "Brian Wilson" -- Barenaked Ladies
I'm stuck at the library for longer than I would normally tomorrow since Annie Annie's going to the hospital to visit my uncle Jim who had his leg amputated. I'd like to go with her, but since he's up in North Brunswick and therefore closer to Annie Annie's work. I'll visit him over the weekend. Uncle Jim's the uncle I'm closest to, he lived with us when I was little and used to use his computer to tell me choose your own adventure fairytales at bedtime (I liked little red riding hood best), and taught me all sorts of geeky computer stuff, like how to install a new operating system and other stuff that a normal 6 year old doesn't know. I haven't talked to him as much since he moved away (he's in north Jersey, the rest of the family is in central/south Jersey, 'cept Aunt Ethel, who's in Arazona.) but I have a feeling that Aunt Barbara is going to make him move down here, since he "can't take care of himself". Because he didn't bother to get that infected blister on his foot checked out and his blood sugar was at like 450 when he came into the hospital (thanks to Aunt Eileen's super doctor ability to tell when somebody needs to be sent to the hospital pronto). We've now turned into the SuperFamily and will be hovering like crazy now. Aunt Ethel's looking for a flight up here, we're all trying to talk her out of that though, since really, she can't do anything for him. I'm very happy that Aunt Barbara's basically convinced her, since if she'd come up that would have meant that cousin Barbara would have come with her and I'm pretty sure I'd kill that kid. No matter how much I love my family, I can't stand either of the living Barbaras. So yeah. We've all got our different things to do, 'cept for me since I'm a "kid" and kept out of the loop and stuff. I want to help, but I doubt there's much I can do, 'cept visit a lot and stuff, bring him good food. Since I was recently subjected to hospital food I'm going to be making sure he doesn't go without a good turkey sandwhich that doesn't taste like cardboard. I will, however, subject him to wheat bread. He'll thank me for it when he realizes that it tastes better.

Well, since it seems to be much to late/early to actually get any sleep tonight, I might as well get to work finishing the homework I should have done two weeks ago... ugh, I can't take anymore Canterbury Tales. Why? That's all I want to know, WHY? At least it's not like I have to read the whole thing, just different snippets, so all's good. And plus, once I finish that I can just go take out a bunch of good books from the library and stuff, so not so bad.		  
      No power in the 'verse
 
I felt the need to post a quiz result, so sue me.   
07:02pm 16/01/2005
 
How to make a Erin
Ingredients:

3 parts intelligence

1 part silliness

5 parts instinct
Method:
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add a little lovability if desired!
  
      No power in the 'verse
 
   
12:51pm 24/12/2004
 
mood: blah
music: "Head Over Heels" -- Tears For Fears
Couldn't sleep again last night. These dreams need to stop... so I watched TV.

Why are infomercials so mesmerizing? I put on the TV guide channel just to see what time it was and ended up watching something about "The Ionic Breeze" for an hour. It's like hypnotism or something. You know you should be bored but it just pulls you in.

Also, what kind of person watches "Extreme Dodgeball"? That just sounds stupid. Why televise dodgeball. Isn't it enough that I had to play it in elementary school? I hated that game. I always got picked on in that game... I think it's the fact that I was the biggest target. Not only was I fat even in elementary school, but I was also freakishly tall, even then. Geh... suckiness.		  
      No power in the 'verse
 
   
10:34pm 23/12/2004
 
mood: cheerful
music: "The Killing Moon" -- Echo and the Bunnymen
I love Comcast Rhapsody... it's awesome. Kris downloaded a bunch of songs she thought I'd like, and I also have that song by Echo and the Bunnymen that I wanted to listen to ^_^

It takes so little to please me

Finished my painting in art class, I'll use my aunt's camera to take a picture of it so I can post it on my deviantart before I give it to Mom. It's really prettyful.

I can't wait till Christmas, I love spending time with Mom even though she's a bitch who makes me feel bad for everything I do and left me alone to rot in a house with no water for half a year while she went to live with friends... but at least she lets me smoke in the house. Oh wait, she doesn't even do that!		  
      No power in the 'verse
 
   
04:45pm 20/12/2004
 
mood: blank
music: That Thursday CD I found in the school library.
Okay, I have a lot of shit to say. First off, I got kicked out of Collier, for good this time. No big, I'll just finish out my senior year in night school or something. That bitch Patty Depko wants to send me someplace called "Rutgers Adolecent Day" or something. I don't want to. In my expericence anything that has "Adolecent Day" in it's name is going to suck. I bet the place has freaking padded rooms like High Point did. I don't need padded rooms, or people looking at me like I'm stupid. I'm not stupid, and I'm not crazy. I'm just a little high-strung.

Also, I had surgery for ovarian cysts. I can't go on the pill for three months, but it's just nice to be over with the surgery, and there isn't any more pain or anything, It's nice to be able to do stuff again. Just in time for winter and the frozen roads that don't help with my mission to learn how to skateboard. But at least I have a nifty scar in my belly button. My hormones are all out of wack thanks to the cysts and my ovaries being stupid like that, so I've got the mood swings of a pregnant woman with bi-polar disorder.

Speaking of bi-polar disorder, I'm supposed to be on medication for that now, but I don't take it. I didn't like it, it made me feel weird. So I just don't take it anymore.

So yeah, that's my life in a nutshell right now.

Also I miss everybody from Collier. I especially miss Andy. That boy is probably the only guy who could make me turn purple from laughing outside of the people from art class. At least I can still see him if I go to any of the shows his band plays, but it's not the same. I'm gonna miss them all...		  
      No power in the 'verse
 
WOOT Screamo   
06:41pm 01/12/2004
 
music: "He Died Of" -- No Hollywood Ending
I went to see this show on Saturday. It was a bunch of screamo bands, and I love this one band now. "No Hollywood Ending". They're awesome. I'm so in love with this one song "He Died Of"		  
      No power in the 'verse
 
The inevitable shoot down   
02:29pm 26/09/2004
 
mood: crushed
music: "Not Coming Home" -- Maroon5
Well, I guess I should be happy Pete doesn't hate me, but I just can't be. It might have been easier if he did. I should have expected "the inevitable shoot-down", and I was, but I just wanted a real answer. I shouldn't be unhappy with the results of my questioning. It's not like I haven't been shot down before, oh wait, I haven't, I never had the guts to tell a guy I liked him before. Instead I just let the whole thing fester like an open wound. I guess this is just one more step towards me not being chickenshit anymore. The brave may not live forever but the cowardly never live at all, right? It's nothing, I had to have my heart broken at some point. I'd lived my life in a little protective bubble of not letting anybody hurt me because I just kept it all locked up inside, never telling anybody anything about how I feel. Filling journals and notebooks of fantasy, hopes and dreams and things that I never wanted to get crushed, but I guess everybody has to have their bubble burst at some point. For me it just happened later than most because of my constant procrastination. But he knows every one of my weaknesses, he even exploited them to shoot me down. Compared me to Cinderella and everything. But this is just another example of how I'm not Cinderella, and life's not a fairy tale. Life is terrible, and painful and just stupid. I'm resigned to yet again be the friend. Don't guys understand that you can't be friends after a confession like that. The friendship is over as soon as the words are uttered, it either becomes something more or nothing at all.

If hearts are so important, why are they so easy to break?		  
      No power in the 'verse
 
 
fearlessgaia160
 
 
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